Faith Hope Love

February 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

Have been keeping that phrase from Corinthian’s resounding in my head everytime I start to feel weary. Helps, really. Cause there is really nothing like having faith that my big Daddy up there has greater plans for me even if it might not make sense to me at that point in time,always having hope for the best and living with a heart- loving whole-heartedly and freely.

Well, even though it’s a good form of meditation on a bad day, it is getting harder to keep happy and dandy, seeing how it is now week 7 of school. I Will Get Through This Semester Alive. It’s so troubling to know that I put in so much effort and the returns are so unbalanced. Why ):

By the way, Jonathan’s been nothing that a sweetheart and I cannot be more thankful. Although at the back of my mind there’s a fear that he might one day wake up and realise that he’s made a wrong choice. I guess there’s always that feeling of vulnerability when you commit to something important to you. For some reason, in our case, it’s as though we read each other like an open book and it’s really putting full faith that the other party will handle your heart the best way possible. I don’t know, on one hand I am so sure of us. And on the other I feel like this is so out of our control. Like we are being spun into something greater than we both know. And funny thing is that for the first time, I don’t have any thoughts of giving up. I have a tendency of judging too harshly and not giving anyhing that I have no confidence in a chance. But with Jon, the only doubt I have is with myself, not with him. Maybe it’s karma playing a trick on me, counting the number of times I’ve walked out of a relationship merely because of the clouding doubts. And now there’s someone, who has such a hold over me. Scary. It’s no longer a choice for me to make.

When I’m with him, it feels like consecutive bursts of high energy. He radiates such genuity and sincerity and it appeals so strongly to my heart. This boy is something different. I don’t even have him and yet I am afraid of losing him.

Now, there’s nothing more than to have Faith Hope and Love.

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January 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

I am having an angsty day.
I really feel phased out. and the worser part is that I can’t even tell anyone in full detail how I am feeling.

SoNotCool

Happy new year!

January 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s already the 3rd of January 2011! I can say with full confidence that the year has been going fantastic! hahah, well you see, I just stepped off the Plane from Taiwan. It was a week of pure elation and nothing in the world can beat that feeling. Jordan Mersa and Eliz were so much fun and I am so thankul that it was this bunch.

School starts tomorrow Praying praying praying for a better semester. I am taking comfort that every term I start on a new slate

Couldn’t care less

December 10, 2010 § Leave a comment

It bothers me that on one hand, I have friends who are over- acheivers and it makes me feel like the most incompetent student around. And on the other hand, I know people who are just living to enjoy their lives. I can’t keep living like all’s fine and dandy, because I know it isn’t going to be at the rate I am going. With thrashy results, without hardly any accomplishments, etc.

It really sucks, this uncertainty.

I could very well be assuming that all will fall in place soon, somehow. At least that’s what religion teaches me, to surrender all, to trust completely, to know that God has his plans all sorted out for me. But this worrying doesn’t stop with me choosing to have faith that everything will work out. I am quite thankful for the teachings I have heard, because as much as it temporarily puts me at ease.And there, temporary is the key word. I can’t keep deluding myself it’s all good, when there’s been zero progress since the last time I freaked out like this. You see, it’s not even the first time I am having a panic attack.

 Half a year more and I am expected to be doing my internship, I am probably going to be judged from that one job. Apart from that, the whole sense of whether I am in the right course? Accounting has been a challenge and the fact that there is no turning back scares me too. 2 years down, I could well choose to go into a totally different industry, but how easy is that going to be ?

I am freaking out over the future. It’s really no use to tell myself not to worry because I know I ought to be. I see people my age already succeeding at something, when’s it going to be my turn ?

Expression

December 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

How important is it to properly express yourself? We do it the best we can, in conveying how we feel, just so that the people around us would get the slight sense of how we are feeling. I am such a skeptic when someone complains too much, tells a story hard to believe. It leaves me feeling thinking of the possibilities of whether it might just be an inadequacy of expression on their part. For that matter, sometimes I find myself doing just that. Over-dramatizing, not lying, about something that happened just to hold their attention. I wonder if it is my sub-conscious mind probing me on my insecurities that what I may have to offer is not sufficient. Do you think as we grow older, we do things like that more, such that it becomes a part of us? (okay, this is the bad part about knowing that no one comes here! So I don’t get a response. Well, I shall pose the question to a friend, if i do remember). 

Sometimes I feel like I speak with a stutter, when conveying something important to me. It might be because I really think expression is so important, such that it gets to me that people are judging me from what I am about to say. Silly, I’d think. But at that moment, the million juggled thoughts need to be carefully laid down and strung to perfection, delivered with care. It seems to me that a single mistake would trigger the domino effect of judgement in the listeners mind, intentionally or not.

Just started on these thoughts because I came across a friend’s travel blog. It was laced with horrifying gramatical and spelling errors. I know it isn’t kind of me to comment on it, but I really pay too much attention to expression such that it bothers me when I come across people who don’t.

Have been playing around with the thoughts of how everyone lives in alternate universes and we see nothing but their doors. I’d think I am such a queer person to be writing in this manner! But I love experimenting with thoughts like these, it makes me feel a little superior because no one knows them. I shouldn’t encourage such pride, should I? It really gets to me too much.!

Catching Up

December 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

Just got back in from dinner and drinks with Sam. Haven’t had a chance to go out with her alone since she left for Aussieland about 2 years ago for studies. As she poured out story after story about her life there, it really sunk in how much the 2 of us have grown since days in college. Mindblowing. That is apart from her absolutely fucking insane lifestyle she has there. I wouldn’t want to be judging her now, because even though I am quite sure we are now rather divided on opinions, I still really do love my friend. And I know I am the kind of person who will hear the other out before slowly dissecting each and every part of the conversation and (slowly) delve into agreement or otherwise.

2 years ago, we were on the same page. On topics of trust, love, friendships and whole lot more. I knew she had changed, I can’t call it matured because it doesn’t seem that way. Neither would I say it’s for the worse because I know I am in no position to say decisions she made were wrong and it is really a matter of perspective. She became a hell lot more open minded ? That’d be the most appropriate word to describe it, at this point I’d say.  I don’t know, I am still trying to grasps the fact that I have a friend who wants to date guys a generation, or two, older than herself. I can’t help but fear that it would lead to more heart breaks. And that she’s become someone who was alright with being in the same room as 2 friends fucking. Or that she was used to the idea of making out with strangers. She has always been strong I know, but underneath that I don’t believe she doesn’t have vulnerable points. I see the way she blogs, the way she updates her status, and even without her explaining, it’s pretty obvious she is still struggling, like all normal 20 year olds are, in life, in love, in her family, in school.  But apart from that, I still see her, quick to noticing the good in people, the willingness to stand up for those she loves. So you see, I can’t say she’s grown to become worse. It’s not a matter of good and bad, but a situation of perhaps, circumstance.

Circumstance. Would any of us have turned out any different from Sam if we were put in her position? Us, I mean the people who have been sitting here listening to her tell her stories and then judging her once her head is turned.  I highly doubt it. We are all put in different situations at specific times and God knows how each of us come out of each battle. Scarred, bruised but maybe stronger, or perhaps unscathed but more vulnerable and uncertain. We still got to walk this path, maybe it’s true that we should jump out of line once in awhile, just so that we can proudly say we’ve tried living the life. I will miss the old Sam, if I may call her that. But then again, I love the New one too, she’s straightforward, and all the same the amazing friend I wouldn’t mind hearing out a million times over (even if the stories get rather mortifying about whose fucking who). I mean what kind of friends would leave the moment circumstance change?

And so here goes me, thinking about the possibilities of people who will still stick up for me despite how I have grown through the years. I really wonder how I am being judged by people. I know it shouldn’t really matter, but all these thoughts about judgemental people do really get to me sometimes.

okay okay, I shall stop. On a side note, I am really blogging so much nowadays! Been rather bored, but I kinda knew this holidays would be this way, sad to say. So many friends are out of town and I already see a lonely christmas ): Need to try and keep my chins up, keep the festive mood up!!

Almost here

December 2, 2010 § Leave a comment

I really like the duet by Brian Mcfadden and Delta Goodrem! I am such a sucker for romance. I think I expect so much of my own relationships because I get crazy ideas from all the movies and television I watch. But what’s wrong with expecting the other party to be attentive to the smaller details, know how to behave ‘normally’ in respective situations, being appreciated, being treated as an equal. Okay, I could get shot down by who decides on the standards, but there are social norms for a reason. And what is wrong with wanting your other half to try their best to look good ( for you, or not)? I disapprove of how others get shot down for wanting ‘good looking’ other halves, isn’t it human nature ?

I know how people put down romantic flicks/ drama serials for being unrealistic, but it isn’t the whole point of watching something like that giving all of us some kind of hope that there may be a chance that the same dream might come true for us ? I am sure the producers/ play writers must have gotten their inspiration from somewhere real ( don’t count those that got them from earlier productions because before the whole cycle, someone had to be the first). I am so hopeful, can’t you tell ?

With all that said, I know of greed. The kind of greed that eats into you and never wanting to settle for an awesome partner with hopes that there would be a better person for you out there. I could say that at this point in my life, I am exactly that kind of selfish bitch. It’s so scary how I could sound so self centred, but it’s true. I just hope 10 years down the road, I don’t read this and beat myself up because I’d still be alone. But for now, I shall not compromise. Just because I know what I want in a man, and it is no longer a game of give and take! I think I gave my heart out too loosely in the past and it has done me more harm than good. So here goes, to waiting. Here goes, to hoping that I am almost there (or maybe, growing out of this overly optimistic opinion that I’d meet someone I’ve always wanted)

I am so glad no one I know reads this, I could totally be ostracised for thinking like that? Well, maybe everyone thinks like me but no one dares to be so truthful about sounding so selfish. Anyway with all that said, I am listening to another fantastic love duet by Katherine Mcphee & Zachary Levi, Terrified.

“You set it again, my heart’s in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I’m at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I’m in love
And I’m terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only

I only said it ’cause I mean it
I only mean ’cause it’s true
So don’t you doubt what I’ve been dreaming
‘Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I’m without you”